Individuation through creativity and my journey to arts therapy.
I saw I had a disorganised work life, shallow relationships and, I was reluctant to see and scared of my family. My relationship with food, alcohol and men reflected my relationship with myself. From my early teens I suffered with endometriosis, having been on the pill since I was 17, I was constantly on and off antibiotics to try and heal my skin, decrease the pain and combat reoccurring tonsillitis and glandular fever, which would then flare up as soon as I stopped taking the antibiotics. At the time I was unaware of how numb the pill made me feel, and how much damage the antibiotics where on my body. I felt exhausted all of the time, and I struggled to feel connected to my body. My skin, endometriosis pain, back issues, plus my constant loathing for my body meant that being drunk was the only time I felt I could feel free, I would then crave attention from men to make me feel worthy.
It was 2010 when I had a wake up call. I was in a stressful and horrific job where I was being sexually harassed, bullied and working over 13 hr days. I tried to go through the official process to report my problems but realised this was the industry – the system was fine, I just didn’t fit the system. I went for a run for miles!! and realised that was it! I’m not putting up with this. I quit that next morning and applied to study language education. The art of communication. That was my first time I realised I don’t have to be in this sucky job and I can do what I want! But wow that was scary! at that time I started my own art business with the intention to make others feel seen, heard and connected, sharing the healing power of art. My choices were driven by that innate desire to feel at home and be accepted.
It was later that year a beautiful soul witnessed me being in a pattern of victimisation within my family dynamic and prompted and encouraged me to step away from this. She validated my feelings and that I wasn’t crazy. Gas lighting had been happening for the past 20 years so it was normalised to me. To be abused and bullied and the scape goat – and take it. And if I spoke up or acted out of line was abused more heavily. So I learnt yes it’s way better and easier to just hide or submit. This friend recommended to me a life coach and a kinesiologist.
This moment was the turning point of my journey towards individuation.
This one session with the amazing life coach and spiritual guide changed my life. I also still see my kinesiologist to this day. From those two sessions, they activated a part of me to see my latent gifts and remembrance of self – my love and understanding of the body soul connection came back. I remembered the key to higher consciousness lay in creativity. I was intrigued, what is this witchy witchcraft amazingness. I was healing my body through the subconscious, my back pain and immobility was healing. I was reigniting my inner self that had been put in a box and buried for so long.
I had never experienced this kind of perspective or healing before. The experience of seeing a therapist who saw me changed how I viewed life forever. It made me realise how much joy you could experience in life by reaching out and receiving. Not being scared of being alive! I knew I had to heal my body and remember who I was. After trying to numb my life, I realised I needed to heal my traumas and body and uncover my true essence to feel free and create the life of my dreams – creating.
From this session I started my self development journey, I journaled daily and read books about healing your life. This helped me overcome my anxiety and panic attacks and bring more joy into my life. I went on to completing the language degree and teaching thousands of students, refugee children, kids at risk, I loved my job. But I was still disconnected from my body, in that I hadn’t healed any of my past traumas and was spiritually bypassing a lot of what I needed to heal. I was eating well, meditating, exercising, and journaling, but I would still go out and get drunk and over work myself and have poor boundaries. I was aware of the mind, body, soul connection at this point but I was still giving away my power, saying yes to things when I should have been saying no, trying to get validation from people who didn’t even respect me and needing to please people.
A year or so later I realised there was that one thing that was missing – hands on creativity – outside the system. I wanted to do something that brought all my loves together; communication, empowerment, rites of passage, trauma therapy and creating from the heart – channelling. That’s when in 2013 I found it – Arts Therapy.
It took me a while to apply and bring myself to start studying again. Could I study when it felt so late in life? A four year degree in my late 20’s, when I just wanted to create and teach positive communication and kinesthetics now and the power it brings to your life. Because I was still acting out old stories, I was still replaying experiences from my past that were screaming to be healed. This led to a break-in and sexual assault which on the day I pressed charges I contracted Ross River Virus (mosquito virus) which had me bedridden for over a year and with no immune health and energy for 3 years as the virus remained active. The man was charged and pleaded guilty, but the stress and toll the case took on my mental and emotional let alone my spiritual and physical well being was massive.